a new york actress tells it like it is
Press kits, comps, website, light plots OH MY!!!
My show is going up NEXT WEEK. I AM NOT EVEN PREPARED. I had rehearsal yesterday which was helpful but I don’t know if I was very good. I did not feel engaged with the material, I felt tired.
July 4th weekend was wonderful and relaxing. Now it’s back to getting the show off the ground.
My intention is to enjoy this fun process, relax into it. Not fight it. 
Toothless wide eyed grinnery
Baby M:
You are nine months old today. I spend a lot of time complaining about motherhood and you may read this and be like, “MOM, geez!”
While I am not cut out for motherhood (I’m not and will never be a Betty Homemaker) you are a joy in my life that exceeds the drudgery of being a mostly working at home mother. I was not really expecting to ever really be a mother, much less be totally in love with my kid…but I do. Yes it is hard work, but you are so worth it.
You are moving around a LOT. You are curious about every oject that is in front of you. You are starting to stand up if you have something to hold on to. You love to throw your whole body weight while you’re on the bed so I don’t put you on the bed anymore.
You are quite feisty and outspoken. You know exactly what you want and you go after it with gusto. Whether it’s eliciting a smile from a stranger on the train or a bottle of sanitizer, you reach for it and usually get what you want.
Right now you love to read books and turning the pages.
You are very expressive and smile with your whole face. That’s the same expression that I used to do when I was an infant.
You get REALLY sweaty and that worries me (though your dad scolds me for worrying).
My only hope with you is that when you are an adult, you can say to people: “Yea, growing up was pretty uneventful, I come from a normal, happy family. I love my mom and dad. They’re my best friends.”
You are a joy in my and your dad’s life. We love you very much.
Happy nine month birthday
I gave it up because I got all zen and felt that having email and the internet at the touch of my fingertips was taking me out of the moment. The sad truth is that I need it. All of my contacts have fluttered to the wind and being a mother just adds to the complexity of things. Shrug.
Stella looking for a bird to maim
Found out feedback from the play I had auditioned for. They really liked me but felt my schedule with my show would be a conflict. An acquaintence happened to be sitting in on the audition and she said if it weren’t for that she was pretty sure I’d be in the show with her. Nice to hear. I FINALLY got the letter out to that one agent I had been thinking about and asked a casting director to put in a good word for me.
Since I’ve had the babysitter, I’ve been able to get things done. I’ve gone a few auditions and have been able to get a lot of production stuff done for the show. Also can shower and exercise on a daily basis. I feel better. That said, I’m not sure I’m 100%. I haven’t gone much into it, but I’ve definitely been postpartum depressed for the past few months. From the lack of sleep, isolation, lack of help, it’s been a doozy. No one really tells you how hard motherhood is and if you’re not a parent, you don’t quite get how difficult it can be. Before my babysitter left, she chirped: “I don’t know how you do this! I’m exhausted after just four hours!”
I hung out with Babymonkey Momma in her Chelsea apartment and she is an amazing actress-mother, entrepreneur. We talked about how we deal. I laughed when she mentioned her 10 things to do list. She is lucky if she gets one thing done. (Actually, I find doing only ONE career thing a day to be very effective)
A few days ago, I decided to try and take out gnashing my teeth out of the equation. I’ve been paddling the boat with all of my might. My mucles are tired and I’m sweaty. I’ve decided to allow the boat to flow where it wants to go and enjoy the breeze that takes me along the ride. I surrendered. I’ll get what I have to do done, but other than that, I’ve surrendered to the fact it ain’t going to be perfect for a long time, so I might as well enjoy every moment.
So instead of thinking about the NEXT KID and how THAT will affect my life, I’m going to try and focus on the NOW.
After breastfeeding, I’m seriously considering getting a tattoo that says: FOCUS ON THE MOMENT
After 4 months, I’ve decided to start exercising again and it’s exhausting. I ran for 15 minutes, did some weights and I’mpaying for it. Tomorrow I’m meeting with my trainer to do a 30 minute workout. I told him I have the conditioning of an out of shape 80 year old and to take it REALLY easy on me. This is disturbing…but normal after not working out for almost four months straight.
Had an audition through a casting director. Seemed to go well.
Did a mailing for the show. Had rehearsal for the show which is less than three weeks away, holy crap.
Set up times with personal trainer and someone who can show me how to eat properly so I’m fueled for the show.
I had an ASICS go-see. It was a room filled with 19 year old Abercrombie & Fitch/Ford model types. I didn’t want to be there.
Someone gushed about how they were on the Abercrombie & Fitch site. Everyone (except me) had washboard abs and defined muscle. Baby M and our new babysitter were walking around the street outside.
An Asian model next to me was in an animated conversation about how slow things were and new exercise routines. Their whole conversation was shop talk: where they had travelled, how they hadn’t worked in a while, which agents they were freelancing with. I felt for these girls. They were tall, thin and beautiful. I’m attractive, but if you saw me walk down the street, you probably wouldn’t stop and give me a second glance. Having all of your self worth based on your looks can sometimes make you feel not so great. Even from doing commercial print work, I’ve often looked at myself and wondered: Am I too fat? The same feeling that ran through my head as I sat in the chair. I’ve definitely been out of the game and could definitely hit the gym.
As Tyra Banks says, you have to have a career after being a model.
After the photographer took pictures of me, I scurried downstairs to my beloved Baby M. She was just waking up from a nap and we strolled around in the rain. The baby sitter quipped: “Wow, I’ve never seen so many attractive people in one spot!”
Note to self: Get a blackberry and go to the gym.
The dishes are dirty…again. The laundry remains unfolded in two laundry bags. The apartment is a mess. Husband comes home (an hour late), sighs. I get mad at the sighs but I’m too exhausted to pick anything up.
“What did you do today?”
Worked on updating contacts for a mailing, fixed the VM for our show’s hotline, cleared my desk, contacted people about the show, trained the new sitter…
Definitely nothing to do with keeping a tidy home.
What is the answer to my lack of homemaking skills? I’m not sure but something needs to change because the system in place is currently not working.
I just read a terrific post by the fabulous Penelope Trunk. The reality is that life is not binary, it’s not absolute. It’s messy and complex. Life can not be boiled down to a mathematical equation [if this then this].
This is not an issue of whether abortion is right or wrong, it’s about the myth of having children being bad for a career.
I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.
I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.
And here I am, with the amazing career.
But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don’t need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.
It doesn’t matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won’t create an earthquake underneath that confidence.
This morning I was filled with despair because I thought about having another child and quite honestly that prospect bummed me out. Talked to my buddy in my show, she gave me a nice talk: Enjoy the ride and just let things happen without trying to CONTROL THINGS.
Also discovered Rachel Griffiths. Thank you Perez. Thank you, Rachel. Yes you were a big star in your country before you came to the states, but that’s okay.
Sitter came by, she was decent. Spent the few hours doing the dance of training her and being sort of a host. No naps for Mom. Exhausting.
Yelled at husband when he innocently said the word “dinner”. I was grumpy he was an hour late..also just plain exhausted. Tired of being tired. But hopeful things are changing.
