Excellent quote:

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis:

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.

Happy 9 Months Birthday!

Toothless wide eyed grinnery

Baby M:

You are nine months old today.  I spend a lot of time complaining about motherhood and you may read this and be like, “MOM, geez!”

While I am not cut out for motherhood (I’m not and will never be a Betty Homemaker) you are a joy in my life that exceeds the drudgery of being a mostly working at home mother.  I was not really expecting to ever really be a mother, much less be totally in love with my kid…but I do.  Yes it is hard work, but you are so worth it.

You are moving around a LOT.  You are curious about every oject that is in front of you.  You are starting to stand up if you have something to hold on to.  You love to throw your whole body weight while you’re on the bed so I don’t put you on the bed anymore.

You are quite feisty and outspoken.  You know exactly what you want and you go after it with gusto.  Whether it’s eliciting a smile from a stranger on the train or a bottle of sanitizer, you reach for it and usually get what you want.

Right now you love to read books and turning the pages.

You are very expressive and smile with your whole face.  That’s the same expression that I used to do when I was an infant.

You get REALLY sweaty and that worries  me (though your dad scolds me for worrying).

My only hope with you is that when you are an adult, you can say to people:  “Yea, growing up was pretty uneventful, I come from a normal, happy family.  I love my mom and dad.  They’re my best friends.”

You are a joy in my and your dad’s life.  We love you very much.

Happy nine month birthday

Children vs. Career: Brazen Careerist

I just read a terrific post by the fabulous Penelope Trunk.  The reality is that life is not binary, it’s not absolute.  It’s messy and complex.  Life can not be boiled down to a mathematical equation [if this then this].

This is not an issue of whether abortion is right or wrong, it’s about the myth of having children being bad for a career.

I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.

I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.

And here I am, with the amazing career.

But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don’t need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.

It doesn’t matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won’t create an earthquake underneath that confidence.

Taking care…

Did a reading for a favorite playwright.  Honestly, it was a bit of  a struggle.  It was 3.5 hours long and it was really hot on stage.  I got really tired and delirious toward the end.  It made me realize I need to get my ass in gear and take care of myself.  I’m going to be onstage doing my show in less than a month.  I now know that while I’m breastfeeding, my body is still not quite it’s old self.  I thought about hiring a chef to teach me how to cook healthy vegetarian food and I think I’m going to do it.  I have six performances and I can not afford to go crazy.  I need the sustenance.   

I haven’t been taking care of myself lately.  I’ve not been sleeping well, eating well, exercise…what’s exercise?  Yes I’m back to my normal weight but I definitely need to exercise.

The city makes me feel good…

This bag would be gone in .5 seconds in NYC

Had an audition for a theatre production.  I did two pieces and the folks were really kind about it.  We’ll see if anything happens.

(It was a challenge to get there, I had my friend roll Baby M around in the carriage.  Also carry her up and down the subway stairs.  It was worth it.  I needed to see if I had the pieces in my head and they are there.)

FOUND: A babysitter!!!!  I’m so excited!!  I have great hopes for this girl.  She is temporary till she goes to law school in August.

Had coffee with a woman, D, I met at the opthomologist’s office.  She is so funny and  cracks me up so bad.  She has a baby the same age as Baby M AND SHE IS PREGNANT AGAIN.   When she told me that, my face expressed shock and she choked on her cookie laughing.

Positivity Galore

I’ve been complaining a lot so I’ve gone gangbusters and decided to run the other way to POSITIVITY LAND.  After falling and busting her eye, Baby M is now sick with a cold.  Today I’m focusing on relaxing while taking care of my little girl.  

I downloaded The Artist’s Way and Creative Visualization and already feel better.  We’ve been putting out fires left and right that sometimes it’s very easy to slide into negativity.  

This photo of Baby M makes me laugh so hard every time I look at it.  It sums up her current attitude.  She is feisty, funny and at the same time, a very good kid.  It puts me in a good mood.

Today is one of those few days that I’m glad I’m not working full time right (or even booked a commercial or film).  As Baby M coughs and hacks and sneezes with a running nose, I am grateful I can stay home and take care of her.  

So here’s to being positive.  (Raises a glass of soy milk)

Baby M is not feeling the swings…

Baby J also not thrilled with a swing

Wonky Weekend…

Baby M FELL OFF THE BED.  She usually nurses and then I put her back in her crib.  But she looked peaceful and sweet and I didn’t want to bother her.

I was feeling pretty good at 8:30 in the morning getting my plans in order at my desk when I heard a loud THWACK and then a wail.  I knew exactly what happened.  As I ran to the bedroom, the feeling of dread, guilt, fear, unhappiness filled my whole body and mind.  I scooped her up and we called the pediatrician and then quickly headed to his office.

Luckily he said she was fine (over her screams…she remembered the shots he gave her) and to watch her closely for the next few days.  He chuckled as we were leaving about how his son fell of the bed, the changing table…and even how he accidentally stuck his son with a safety pin while changing him.  Yikes!

Baby M is physically okay though she has quite the shiner and a red blood clot in her eye.  She is very understandably sensitive and wants to be very close to me at ALL times.  We were just making progress for me to venture out a bit more and this is a setback.  I definitely don’t feel comfortable leaving her right now.  The bruise is healing and the blood clot is harmless but I can’t help but wince every time I see it.

I often talk about my tribulations and successes of being an actresses, but this incident made me really think about things.  My daughter is one of the most important things to me, waaaaaay over any career.  Staying home with her is not an easy task but I feel pretty strongly about raising her myself.  She is adorable, super active and bright and so loveable.  I adore everything about her.  For a split second when I wasn’t aware of how serious her fall was, I thought I would lose my mind.

I thought stay at home mothers were a bunch of shrilly, dizzy, nincompoops.  Now I have so much respect for them.

I also can see where not being an actress would be more convenient.  Right now I’m looking for the signs that I’m meant to continue my acting career because right now, I’m just blue about the whole thing.

I wish I could shake it off.  I guess the best thing to do is to let the feelings flow naturally and move on.

Nanny Issues

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve been caring for Baby M solo for almost three months.  It’s been challenging.  I’ve been depressed, cranky, nutty.  We decided after the show that we needed to get help.

A friend highly recommended someone and so this week we had a test drive of each other.  She was warm, funny and knowledgeable.  I cleaned the house and hung out with her.  I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room and I saw this woman pick Baby M by one arm.  I almost shit a brick.

Needless to say, we’re still looking.

Thanksgiving 2008

I had an audition on Monday, the first since I’ve had the baby.  I was really on the fence about going because I was exhausted and Baby M had a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon and I didn’t think I’d have time to prep.  My friend encouraged me to go.

The verdict was that I didn’t suck, but I was definitely not prepared.  I was not in the right state of mind mentally and physically.  However, I do not regret going on the audition.  It gave me a barometer of where I was and what I need to do to get back into my audition mode.  I’m looking to take an audition technique class next month.

In writing news, the screenplay group is on hold this week and meeting up first week in December.  I’m still writing though.  How the hell did Sylvestor Stallone write Rocky in a week?  Or was it 3 days?

I’m also taking the solo show class which has been quite challenging.  I’ve wanted to write a solo show for some time and is precisely what I’ve been looking for.  The people are extremely talented, the teacher is experienced and has an excellent track record of getting shows off the ground.  Facing myself and my life has been interestingly tough.  I knew one really respected actress who took this class and she said: “After a while I realized I just need therapy!”  and I laughed because I knew what she meant.

Why am I doing this with a newborn infant?  Am I insane?  Actually, if I didn’t have a creative outlet with other creative people I believe I would be really insane.  Keeping myself tapped in and creating help me be a better person and therefore a better mother.  I never want to feel resentful towards my daughter because she is one of the greatest gifts ever bestowed upon me.   I want her to see her mother happy and fulfilled while hopefully being a caring and loving mom.