I’m officially Bi!!

Bi-coastal that is!

After my solo show, my wonderful acting coach from LA recommended a manager in LA.

Hurrah!

Thank you, Universe.

Doggy Days of summer…

Stella looking for a bird to maim

Found out feedback from the play I had auditioned for.  They really liked me but felt my schedule with my show would be a conflict.  An acquaintence happened to be sitting in on the audition and she said if it weren’t for that she was pretty sure I’d be in the show with her.  Nice to hear.  I FINALLY got the letter out to that one agent I had been thinking about and asked a casting director to put in a good word for me.

Since I’ve had the babysitter, I’ve been able to get things done.  I’ve gone a few auditions and have been able to get a lot of production stuff done for the show.  Also can shower and exercise on a daily basis.  I feel better.  That said, I’m not sure I’m 100%.  I haven’t gone much into it, but I’ve definitely been postpartum depressed for the past few months. From the lack of sleep, isolation, lack of help, it’s been a doozy.  No one really tells you how hard motherhood is and if you’re not a parent, you don’t quite get how difficult it can be.  Before my babysitter left, she chirped:  “I don’t know how you do this!  I’m exhausted after just four hours!”

I hung out with Babymonkey Momma in her Chelsea apartment and she is an amazing actress-mother, entrepreneur.  We talked about how we deal.  I laughed when she mentioned her 10 things to do list.  She is lucky if she gets one thing done. (Actually, I find doing only ONE career thing a day to be very effective)

A few days ago, I decided to try and take out gnashing my teeth out of the equation.  I’ve been paddling the boat with all of my might.  My mucles are tired and I’m sweaty.  I’ve decided to allow the boat to flow where it wants to go and enjoy the breeze that takes me along the ride.   I surrendered.  I’ll get what I have to do done, but other than that, I’ve surrendered to the fact it ain’t going to be perfect for a long time, so I might as well enjoy every moment.

So instead of thinking about the NEXT KID and how THAT will affect my life, I’m going to try and focus on the NOW.

After breastfeeding, I’m seriously considering getting a tattoo that says:  FOCUS ON THE MOMENT

Back to exercise + Breastfeeding = Exhaustion

After 4 months, I’ve decided to start exercising again and it’s exhausting.  I ran for 15 minutes, did some weights and I’mpaying for it.  Tomorrow I’m meeting with my trainer to do a 30 minute workout.  I told him I have the conditioning of an out of shape 80 year old and to take it REALLY easy on me.  This is disturbing…but normal after not working out for almost four months straight.

Interesting developments…

I meditated yesterday and a thought popped into my head:  “Today is going to change my life”.  I liked that thought.  I shrugged and saw where it would take me.

I went to rehearsal and afterwards I drove to the area where I want to live for a Mommy Meetup.  The first apartment complex, there were no mommies to be found.  I went to the common area of the building – no moms.  The doorman said there was a rooftop area where the moms sometimes went.  I went on the roof and there was one pregnant woman who said she doesn’t go to the meeting but that they showed up late sometimes.

To make a long story short, I met a mother who is closing on the apartment building I have been looking at.  She and her husband have been living in the area for 2 years and decided it would be a good time to buy.  She really loved the area, felt the schools were good and they felt good about the neighborhood.

Up next:  see how much we can afford, check our credit, see about a loan…

Meetup Is Da Bomb Y’all!

You make a meetup and THEN these guys let you print out collateral like hanging signs, postcards and t-shirts!

I’m starting a meetup in my area for Friggin Cool Parents and now I’m super jazzed.

Kick Ass Mom Website

I was researching places to live and came across this blog.  She is a mom who is a writer and it is kick ass.  She says it like it is, is hilarious yet humble.  She also gives me something to aspire to in terms of keeping quality control.

Status of Baby M

Over the past few days, the blood clot in Baby M’s eye grew from the left corner of her eye to almost touching her pupil.  I decided to get it checked out without panicking.

Luckily our pediatrician was able to get us an appointment with a pediatric opthamologist.  I thought the appointment would entail Baby M screaming her head off, instead she was quiet and inquisitive.  The doctor had excellent bedside manner and was very gentle .  When the doctor squirted solution into Baby’s eye to dialate her pupils,  Baby M was fine.

After 30 minutes the doctor checked Baby M’s eyes and said the eye is fine and she doesn’t currently have vision problems.

We’re in highschool again, folks!

I’ve been meeting other mothers at these mom things.  I’m doing this so Maddie can meet other kids and I can meet other mothers.

I went to one group and I couldn’t find any pants so I wore my post pregnancy pants.  I held Baby M in the Ergo Baby (baby carrier) and my pants slid way down my butt because  I’m back to my normal weight.

I felt embarressed and mumbled to a nearby duo of mothers:  “Sorry, these are my fat jeans.”

I didn’t realize they might have been a little overweight and one was highly offended and huffed and walked away.

The old me, (the one with energy and snappy comebacks) would have said something funny.  But I’m in a funk.  So I just sort of stood there silently thus allowing the woman to jump to major conclusions.

I’m usually good at getting myself out of funks, but lately I’ve been a bit bluer than usual.  I’m going to change things up and try a different strategy because currently it’s not really working…Sorry for the wonkiness…

UPDATE:  June 1, 2009 – I forgot to mention that where we live, the community is inundated with Asians (Korean and Chinese) because the school districts are very good.  The “original” citizens are mostly  Caucasian and there is a slight funny feeling between the groups.  I see it from both sides.  Koreans and Chinese can tend to be insular (I am Korean-American and have witnessed it) and stick to themselves.  From the non-Asian side there is a subtle but definite present anti-immigrant resentment.

I see it from both sides and sympathize with them both.  One side happily comes in and the other side feels invaded.  That said, I’m Asian but I don’t fit in with the mothers who are from Asian countries and are grooming their kids in utero to go to Harvard.  And because I’m not white, I’m definitely viewed with a cast of suspicion or wariness from the Caucasians.

Power of Decision Making…

I decided this week that I’m not going to find outside work for the next 5 months.  Ever since Baby M was born, I’ve felt obsessed with finding a job and earning my “own” money.  I decided that I need to chill the heck out. We are lucky that my husband can support us for now.   And since I did my show three times, we actually made  a PROFIT.  So I AM working part time!  Actually FULL time PLUS OVERTIME because right now I’m with Baby M ALL OF THE TIME. Why all caps?  Because it just hit me today that I’m working my tail off!

After making the decison of staying home for the next 5 months (except for really good acting gigs), I felt a relief.  And that’s why making decisions is important.  Instead of being wishy washy, you have clearly defined what you want and then the rest of the universe responds.  The reality is that the universe is totally aligned to make it all happen for you, you just have to LET it happen.  When you’re muddled and undecisive, then the universe is confused right there beside you.

Here are reminders for decision making:

-Make your decisions and make them fast.  Don’t hold back and don’t be afraid.  If you make a mistake, so what?  You can change your mind.  Decision making is a very important skill to have.

-Make a decision and stand by it and back it up.  – Sometimes when ideas are presented they are met with resistance.  This is normal, this doesn’t mean your decision is wrong.  Believe in your decision and stand by it.  Then others begin to take your decision as normal.

Then also have the flexibility to see where change is needed. – If something isn’t working, then fix it.  Don’t be stubborn or too proud to change something that can be improved upon.

After the show: Take It Easy…

So far I’ve had three successful performances for my solo show.  I’ve partnered up with a wonderful actress and director and somehow we’ve managed to do it.  However, afterward, I was completely wiped out.  Mentally and physically.  Normally after a show there is post show blues which I am familiar with.  However, this time around, post show blues were really bad.

I realized that I have to take it easy. I’m not the same person that I was before.  I average 3-4 hours of sleep per night.  I am BREASTFEEDING for god’s sake (constantly hungry and thirsty).  My baby sitter had major family drama and had to quit so I’m with baby 24 hours.  Ten minutes before going on stage, I was holding Baby M in my arms and wondered what the heck I was going to do.

THIS WEEK’S MANTRA:  DOING NOTHING IS OKAY