Archive for February, 2008

Looking at my mom friends…

February 23, 2008

People in my age range in NYC don’t have children. They’re too busy achieving their goals. I’ve lately gotten in touch with my best friend, C, from high school. (She has three children!!!) I called her four times and left messages. When she called me back, she asked: “Do you have some news you want to tell me?” That tone said: You’re pregnant aren’t you? Damn, how did she know what I was going to say? I deflected and try to talk about something else and then told her I was eight weeks pregnant. She began squealing and shrieking about how happy she was for me.

Only mothers or other pregnant women are going to understand what you’re going through. If you complain to a non-mother about how tired and sick you feel, you might get a sympathetic look, but unless you’ve actually experienced it yourself, you just don’t know.

I spoke to my other best friend, A, in Austin, Texas who has three children. She gave me great advice and told me to go and meet other mothers. And also find some work because staying at home with a baby all day is really boring.

Yesterday I had an audition for a film at 9:45 am. There was also 9 inches of snow on the ground and I was not feeling up to heading out to the city. I called my agent and asked for a reschedule knowing there probably wouldn’t be. 😦

Eight weeks and still chugging…

February 23, 2008

 It takes ALL of my focus and strength to get out the door these days. Between fatigue and being naseuos I struggle to not throw myself on the bed and take a nap. Last night J was paged and that always wakes me up and screws with my sleep. 

Today I was meeting with a modeling agency and I couldn’t get a read from the agent. She wasn’t friendly or unfriendly, but she sent me out right after our meeting. Since I was in Ktown, I called S or B to see if they wanted to have lunch but one was out on a set and the other was on the way to a go see. I went to the go-see and then decided to head downtown to the casting director for the feature.

It is FREEZING today. The CD is in Chinatown and there are no coffee shops to chill out and relax. I wandered around freezing my ass off before going to the audition. I got there extra early andI rehearsed it over and over by myself before going in. I made sure that I wasn’t going to fumble on lines or do beginning actor audition mistakes. I also wanted to make sure that I was very specific about who I was talking to, who I was and what I wanted. When I got there it turned out I knew an actress who was assisting with the casting. We met years before when we worked on a random job as event keychain assemblers. She is feisty and a really hard worker. I told her I had seen her commercial and her 30 Rock Episode and it was really cool that I was running into her. It was really nice, I felt I was really in the moment, steady and good.I felt I really did the best I could. 

Tomorrow I have another audition for a feature where I would play another sexy kind of character. I find it pretty funny because I don’t think of myself as sexy, mostly funny, bossy, goody and opinionated. I lamented this to my actress friends and she looked at me, nearly rolling her eyes and very calmly said: “I’m only going to say this one time to you…you are sexy. Get over it.” That’s pretty funny. 

I feel pretty wiped out, and always just a little sick to my stomach. However, I feel much better than I did a week ago, thank god. I was really depressed that I would be feeling sick for months and months. It’s abated a bit so I feel so grateful for that. It’s funny because since I “quit” the day job, all of these opportunities started popping up all over the place, it’s pretty cool. I had a fear that I would be sitting at home crying myself asleep at home…but I really believe that more and more interesting projects are coming my way. 

For the first time in my life, I have a little belly. I’m wearing one of my favorite shirts which is form fitting and shows off my figure really well. That includes my new pregnant chest but then also includes the little uncomfortable belly. I don’t mind actually. Just a change I noticed. And how tight everything is feeling. 

Valentine’s Day

February 23, 2008

Today is the first day in weeks where I haven’t woken up with a sick stomach. It made me a little nervous because I wondered if there was something wrong with the pregnancy. I’ll feel better when I have the ultrasound to see if everything is ok.

I went on an audition for a medical patient audition on Tuesday. The casting director had brought her adorable 2 year old child. She was a very cute kid. The casting director brought three Asian girls, including myself into a room with an older white gentleman. She interviewed us and asked us about ourselves. She also wanted to see if we had taught.

The first girl, in bright pink sweater and who was a very sweet girl talked about how she was a teacher, a nanny and from the same town that the casting director. It was pretty much all over from that point because it was obvious that they were drawn together.

When my turn came up, I fought to keep the bile from rising in my throat. My stomach swam and my face felt really warm. Not one of my finest moments. I also had no teaching experience whatsoever. As I spoke, the casting director sighed a little and her eyes fluttered impatiently as I spoke. She was not feeling me. I was not feeling good. I looked down to see the casting director’s daughter was at my feet with an orange crayon scribbling on my headshot. That pretty much summed up the audition for me.

I thought about my 3 year career (now going into it’s fourth year) and realized that I have worked steadily as an actress. I did not teach because I never had a desire to teach, I have a burning desire to work in show business and earn money there. I feel good about being an actress first, and a writer/film maker second. This wasn’t a job about talent, it was who got along well with the CD. I am not a super articulate sweet kind of actress. I watch people, I listen, I observe and I’m not overly effusive. I’m edgy, emotional, say controversial things. I’m not medical student training material and I’m okay with that.

In other news, I quit my day job at the advertising agency last Friday. I wish I could say that I carefully and strategically planned it and saved $30,000 but nothing could be further from the truth. That morning on the train, I felt myself saying: “I don’t want to work there anymore.” When I walked into the office, I spotted my acquaintance who is also a supervsor of mine wore a funny looking hippie style Chinese collar type of shirt. I said : “Woah, what kind of shirt is that?” He was obviously pissed by the remark and retorted in a trying to be calm but seething underneath kind of way: “Well, what’s up with the Startrek sleeves on YOUR shirt?”. I know my Startrek, and my shirt, while wildly flower patterned was no Startrek shirt. Short story, he decided to give me “work” in the way of research and I just reached my bullshit limit. My body revolted and I just decided enough was enough and put in my 2 weeks notice. I don’t have that much money saved up, I have no job prospects, I have no idea what I’m going to do, but I feel fine about it.

These past few weeks I’ve been dragging myself out of bed to even get to work, feeling miserable all day. Then feeling sick and stressed on the train ride home. To come home to a poor husband who wonders where his wife went. So my plan is that I have no plan. I have an appointment with a modeling agency today… I guess in retrospect it’s probably not super smart because I’ll be a whale soon…but work is work.

I’m wearing my tightest jeans with a really tight shirt. That was a mistake, I’m not really comfortable. Ah well, live and learn.

Vague Worries…

February 23, 2008

I have not officially made my own business out of my acting career. But more and more I’ve been in the mindset that I have an entreprenuership, I am a small business owner. I do mailings to let agents and casting directors know about me, I remind playwrights of my existence, I write and shoot my own material. I admit being pregnant has thrown me for a loop.

Now I don’t know my head from my ass let alone remember that I have a monologue to memorize. Because of my fog, I really need to buckle down even more and be very specific about my goals. One thing I wanted to figure out is whether I should get “another” career to sustain me…this is something I’m always struggling with. I feel that if I get another career it will take me away from this one. I welcome being a mom and taking time away from work….I think… Also, do I want to do maternity wear modeling?? Who the hell knows. Good thing I’m meeting up with my coach.

God, this makes me laugh because these are the “problems” that I’m dealing with.

Easy Come Easy Go

February 23, 2008

I decided to turn off Adium on my computer today. The result is that I am focused and my concentration isn’t broken nearly as much as it is when IM is one. My very close friends I can count on my hand. My buddy list is bloated and unwieldy. There is nothing wrong with these folks. But I find that the talk is often idle chat, time wasting and sometimes, due to misunderstanding, argument inducing. Many people are acquaintences who I probably wouldn’t keep in touch with if they weren’t on my list.

When I’m not on IM, I am in more tune with my body and feeling. Putting IM on means that I don’t want to concentrate, I want to coast through the day. This is not good at all. It means my attention is away from things like maintaining my acting career or writing a new page in my script. 

First Appointment

February 5, 2008

I made the first doctor’s appointment next month to hear the heart beat (crossing fingers.)

With much kicking and screaming I got the husband to take a day off with me. He wants to see the baby but he’s always freaked out about taking the day off from work.

He’s hoping he’s still my #1 baby…and actually I feel the same way about him.

Garlic and a stakes…

February 5, 2008
A great piece of advice I heard from a casting director was that when you’re an actor, you meet a lot of acquaintances, but not as many friends.   In the world of acting this is a truth I’ve had to learn the hard way.
I’ve decided to eliminate negative vampire sucking people in my life, two folks in particular who are soul sucking.  I read an article about demanding more from people who surround me and I realized that I need to avoid them for the sake of my health and sanity.  I had been going back and forth with this decision for a few months and felt guilty.  However, when I made that conscious decision, I immediately felt better.  Light and free.  Instead of bogged down and strategizing about which face to put on.  I don’t have the energy for it.
Right after I made that decision I got two emails from two dear friends who wanted to hang out. That made me very grateful for their friendship.  

My Friend Ralph

February 5, 2008

When I woke up this morning I felt like absolute shite.  I was on the verge of ralphing all day and  I could barely keep my eyes open.  AND today I was going to help my friend with his on camera taped audition for a feature.  We rehearsed last night till 9:25 and I felt awful.  I went home and went straight to bed.  

Today the taping, he read his part and was quite good.  I didn’t want to do it because I hadn’t prepared for it at all.  But he and my coach insisted I do an on camera audition, so I did.  It wasn’t bad.  I looked cute and well who knows how it’ll go.  I have newfound respect for my friend and his talent.  I’ve really grown to respect him through the short time I’ve gotten to know him.

I also decided that I really needed to finish up the footage for my short film this Friday night.  I hope I have the energy.  If this exhausted and puke feeling is the way the next twelve weeks are going to be, it’s going to be rough. I feel good about the films, because even though I may go under cover when I’m mega huge (as in huge belly), I’ll still have images of me floating around, allowing for exposure.

To Tell Or Not To Tell

February 4, 2008

Sixth Week

Another hot mom gives me hope, Allesondro Ambrosio modeling for Victoria Secret.

Courtesy of, lined with this hilarious quote:

Even PREGNANT Alessandra looks better than all of us. *sigh*

Victoria Secret’s Model

How am I breaking the news of my pregnancy to people?
I guess it would be cool to talk with  “G”, a former model, GORGEOUS and also a terrific actress. I know she also has two little sons. She is just starting in her career and to me, really inspires me. I don’t know very many women who have children, or even think of having children. Being in New York means that people prolong adolescence as long as possible. Women look at adoption or IVF as inevitable solutions. Most of my friends are ambitious artists, singers, writers, actresses etc.

I meet up regularly with a group of actresses and we discuss our careers. When we first began meeting up, we all acknowledged that children freaked us out. Will my girls begin to look at me with kind, sympathetic eyes and slowly pull away from me? Maybe they’ll think: “We’re going to this fashion party on Monday…oh but expectant-Mom-to-be probably wouldn’t want to go…” Maybe I will begin to feel differently about the group and realize there’s more to life than acting? Or perhaps I’ll need to start a Sexy Mom Actress Group?

How will I tell agents and CD’s?  Is there a point in telling them?  I guess it depends on the relationship.  I hope by December I will be in shape to begin going to classes and auditioning again.  So in reality, for the next four months I’ll be in okay shape to act and then

Despite feeling exhausted, emotional and confused about what my name is, I do still feel driven. A few months ago I remember talking to one of my closest friends who is similarly driven with her jewelry design business. We met at design school and became fast friends. I talked about children and how cool it would be to be able to stay home and/or write scripts and screenplays and/or go to auditions. My friend looked at me like I was crazy…but I am really thinking like that, and why not? Does being a mom mean you’re supposed to throw everything away? I don’t think so. If I were a lawyer or a researcher in a biotech lab, no one would question whether or not I’d be going back to work. But as an actress, people WOULD expect that, because, after all, isn’t acting frivolous?

I have to call a modeling agency that just called me from my mass mailing.

UGH, I have put off rehearsing my lines for this feature!!!  I have a rehearsal at 8:00 PM and I’m not psyched about that 😦

February 2, 2008

Things to do:

-Get a personal trainer

-I have a taped audition I need to prepare for this weekend.

-Prepare monologue for class

-Tape some footage for my short film I’m finishing up

-Thank you note to commercial print agent

-Get a mac to edit stuff

-Begin re-write of feature and also find a writer collaborator

-Get an entertainment lawyer

Five-Seven Year Plan

6 months stay home completely

Have one more kid 2 years later?

2 films at festivals


One Woman Show