Archive for February, 2008

(o) (o)

February 2, 2008

My boobs are getting big!  For someone who has a small chest it’s awesome.  I am going to milk (no pun intended) this big bustedness for all that it’s worth.  I want to get as many tight fitting shirts as I can and wear push up bras.  In the beginning, my boobs were my barometer of my pregnancy.   I could feel it but it wasn’t noticeable to my husband.  Now that they’ve gotten noticeably big, he’s like: “Wow!  They really are big!  And you really are pregnant!”

With my pregnancy, I’m even MORE into a crazy fog of confusion than usual.  I really don’t want to stay at my job.  If I do, things really need to change.  I’m hoping to be laid off so I can get unemployment and I can devote more time to acting. Otherwise, I’m just going to tell them I’m going to work very little.

Anyway, in my haze, I want to learn and do as much stuff as possible:


Sewing (This one would actually be useful)

Early pregnancy class (We should do this anyway)

ImprovActing My only worry is how foggy I’ll be in improv class.  We’ll see how it goes! 


Myths and Perceptions

February 2, 2008

Five Weeks

I got my nails done today, my hair did (I did it) and I met with a commercial print agent from a very good agency. He was great! Very warm and kind and hopefully will be able to really get me out there for commercial print work.

As an Asian-American actress, I’ve always been told that I had to work twice as hard as the next person to prove my talent. I have always gone out of my way to be the best actress possible. Now becoming a mother I believe that I must fight to be relevant, to stay in shape, to carve out even MORE time to act. It will be very hard, but at the same time, I believe I can do it. I realized how lame I thought people with kids are. I never cared about binky blankets or pacifiers or bottles and now I’M going to be one of those people.

I recall when I was in an improv group and we were at The Fringe Festival party. We met two really attractive actresses and one was a mother. She was skinny, funky and vivacious. The male members of the improv group were astounded that woman + babies could = hot.

I went to therapy this week and when I told my therapist that I was pregnant she looked at me worriedly and asked “Is that a good thing?”. Perhaps my expression was not excited enough for her. She tried to pin my wacky childhood on my lack of excitement for the pregnancy. I believe she is wrong. I’m actually quite happy but I don’t gush about everything. I will love my child and care for my child without the need to gush. Prior to getting pregnant, I was ambivalent about having kids.

Actually, I could imagine a life without children and just work on my acting career. My husband was slightly worried because I could sense that he wanted children more than I did. I would wrinkle my nose at kids in elevators or point to tables with misbehaving wriggly kids at the mall and say: “See, that’s what OUR life is going to be!” It would really upset him so I would not say it out loud but do it to myself in my head.I’ve slowly changed my mind.

I’ve read about how heartbreakingly difficult it is for couples to get pregnant and how hard people try to have children. So instead of feeling resentful, I feel grateful to be pregnant. I feel good about being in shape not just for me so that I will have a healthy baby. I don’t know what changes will come, but I look forward to them. One thing I’m really excited about is quitting my job for a while. Granted I will be home, changing diapers and watching T.V., but I look forward to it.

Last week I got in touch with an acquaintance I worked with a very long time ago. It was for a film which aired on PBS. She was warm and intelligent (a lawyer) and looking through my business card file, I decided to give her a ring. I felt slightly sheepish leaving a message because we shot that over 6 years or so ago. This week she called me and in a hushed-there-are-other-people tone we both caught up on what we’re doing. She was still a lawyer and she got married and had a two year old daughter. But she had often thought about acting and we decided to meet for lunch. Somehow the contact feels that it was meant to be.

I feel like I must prepare and get as MUCH acting in as much as possible before I start getting huge. I know that my time will be limited. But I also look forward to it! Gives me something to look forward to.

Pregnant Pause

February 2, 2008

Wow…So I had the urine sample done and … The nurse with the really long hair came back and showed the doctor. Immediately my eyes zeroed in on whatever the hell they were looking at (the pregnancy test). And the result is that I am sort of pregnant, in the very early stages. I haven’t even missed my period yet. I feel slightly relieved because I felt like a crazy maniac woman and so depressed. Now at least I know what it is. 

Wow…what a crazy thing, me being a parent.

I’m an unknown actress in New York City. Unlike Kate Holmes or Jessica Abel, I do not have a large conglomerate of an agency behind me. All I have is my hopes and dreams. I’m making way into the industry and working my way into t.v.’s and theatre’s near you.

I also recently got pregnant. I don’t feel like motherhood is the time to completely flush my career down the toilet. In fact, I feel like digging my heels in even more. This is incredibly daunting, but…it’s my nature to face things head on.

I’m extremely excited about the pregnancy as well as continuing my career.