Archive for May, 2009

Kick Ass Mom Website

May 30, 2009

I was researching places to live and came across this blog.  She is a mom who is a writer and it is kick ass.  She says it like it is, is hilarious yet humble.  She also gives me something to aspire to in terms of keeping quality control.


What Makes Us Happy?

May 30, 2009

I read about this study conducted by George Vaillant and it was fascinating.  Over a course of 72 years, 268 “elite” were meticulously documented.  The purpose was to find out the patterns of happy, successful people thus bettering man kind.  

I heard the author, Joshua Wolf Shenk speak on NPR and one of the most important thing for personal happiness seemed to be (drum roll please):


This makes a ton of sense and all the more reason that I need a change.  Being a mother is quite isolating, being an actress can be isolating.  Slap these two together and you are living in Siberia.  Oh yea, add being in the suburbs into the mix and now you’re on the moon standing beside Neil Armstrong’s footprint.

I’m tired of complaining so I will stop.  I hope by August we are settling in somewhere closer to the city.

Ups and Downs

May 29, 2009

On the way to a doctor’s appointment, a woman hit my car from behind.  I stopped my car and she got out of her car and proceeded to yell at me that my car was fine and my baby was fine so there was no problem.  I called the cops.  I locked the doors and decided right then and there that I’m moving the heck out of the suburbs.

For the past 3 years, I’ve been living in the burbs because my husband’s work is five minutes from our home.

Becoming a new mother is wonderful but being an actress/mom in the suburbs is not.  I feel isolated, I feel depressed and going to the city for auditions is  a huge headache.  Finding childcare is difficult (most nannies don’t drive) and it’s really hard to meet people.

I’m ready for a change.

Status of Baby M

May 28, 2009

Over the past few days, the blood clot in Baby M’s eye grew from the left corner of her eye to almost touching her pupil.  I decided to get it checked out without panicking.

Luckily our pediatrician was able to get us an appointment with a pediatric opthamologist.  I thought the appointment would entail Baby M screaming her head off, instead she was quiet and inquisitive.  The doctor had excellent bedside manner and was very gentle .  When the doctor squirted solution into Baby’s eye to dialate her pupils,  Baby M was fine.

After 30 minutes the doctor checked Baby M’s eyes and said the eye is fine and she doesn’t currently have vision problems.

Wonky Weekend…

May 26, 2009

Baby M FELL OFF THE BED.  She usually nurses and then I put her back in her crib.  But she looked peaceful and sweet and I didn’t want to bother her.

I was feeling pretty good at 8:30 in the morning getting my plans in order at my desk when I heard a loud THWACK and then a wail.  I knew exactly what happened.  As I ran to the bedroom, the feeling of dread, guilt, fear, unhappiness filled my whole body and mind.  I scooped her up and we called the pediatrician and then quickly headed to his office.

Luckily he said she was fine (over her screams…she remembered the shots he gave her) and to watch her closely for the next few days.  He chuckled as we were leaving about how his son fell of the bed, the changing table…and even how he accidentally stuck his son with a safety pin while changing him.  Yikes!

Baby M is physically okay though she has quite the shiner and a red blood clot in her eye.  She is very understandably sensitive and wants to be very close to me at ALL times.  We were just making progress for me to venture out a bit more and this is a setback.  I definitely don’t feel comfortable leaving her right now.  The bruise is healing and the blood clot is harmless but I can’t help but wince every time I see it.

I often talk about my tribulations and successes of being an actresses, but this incident made me really think about things.  My daughter is one of the most important things to me, waaaaaay over any career.  Staying home with her is not an easy task but I feel pretty strongly about raising her myself.  She is adorable, super active and bright and so loveable.  I adore everything about her.  For a split second when I wasn’t aware of how serious her fall was, I thought I would lose my mind.

I thought stay at home mothers were a bunch of shrilly, dizzy, nincompoops.  Now I have so much respect for them.

I also can see where not being an actress would be more convenient.  Right now I’m looking for the signs that I’m meant to continue my acting career because right now, I’m just blue about the whole thing.

I wish I could shake it off.  I guess the best thing to do is to let the feelings flow naturally and move on.

Play Reading

May 20, 2009

I vowed not to do free acting work UNLESS there were tangible things that made the work worth while.  A playwright, who I adore, asked me to do a reading today, along with some pretty kick butt actresses.  Internally I hemmed and hawed, I had no idea how I could get a babysitter for rehearsal AND the performance.  I came very close to saying :  “Forget it”.  My very good friend who is an opera singer with an 8 month old told me to do it.   Guilt free…

UPDATE:  Hubby was late to get out of work and my mom was a bit stuck at our house (STRESSFUL).  I was exhausted, hungry and perpetually thirsty…but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT.  The script is very good and fun, the actors were kind, giving and talented.  The audience was appreciative and it was such a fun time.  The co-artistic director of a pretty kick ass theatre company came up to me and simply said:  “Really nice work”  It’s moments like these that make me feel really happy abut being an actress.

Savor The Success…

May 17, 2009

A few months ago I came across a website, Savor The Success run by Angela Jia Kim.  She is a a classical musician as well as an entreprenuer, developing her own skin care line after developing a rash from a beauty cream.

I love this site because it is jam packed with information, positivity and women entrepreneurs doing their thing.  I love seeing empowered women who are successful and who help other women.

We’re in highschool again, folks!

May 15, 2009

I’ve been meeting other mothers at these mom things.  I’m doing this so Maddie can meet other kids and I can meet other mothers.

I went to one group and I couldn’t find any pants so I wore my post pregnancy pants.  I held Baby M in the Ergo Baby (baby carrier) and my pants slid way down my butt because  I’m back to my normal weight.

I felt embarressed and mumbled to a nearby duo of mothers:  “Sorry, these are my fat jeans.”

I didn’t realize they might have been a little overweight and one was highly offended and huffed and walked away.

The old me, (the one with energy and snappy comebacks) would have said something funny.  But I’m in a funk.  So I just sort of stood there silently thus allowing the woman to jump to major conclusions.

I’m usually good at getting myself out of funks, but lately I’ve been a bit bluer than usual.  I’m going to change things up and try a different strategy because currently it’s not really working…Sorry for the wonkiness…

UPDATE:  June 1, 2009 – I forgot to mention that where we live, the community is inundated with Asians (Korean and Chinese) because the school districts are very good.  The “original” citizens are mostly  Caucasian and there is a slight funny feeling between the groups.  I see it from both sides.  Koreans and Chinese can tend to be insular (I am Korean-American and have witnessed it) and stick to themselves.  From the non-Asian side there is a subtle but definite present anti-immigrant resentment.

I see it from both sides and sympathize with them both.  One side happily comes in and the other side feels invaded.  That said, I’m Asian but I don’t fit in with the mothers who are from Asian countries and are grooming their kids in utero to go to Harvard.  And because I’m not white, I’m definitely viewed with a cast of suspicion or wariness from the Caucasians.

Nanny Issues

May 15, 2009

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve been caring for Baby M solo for almost three months.  It’s been challenging.  I’ve been depressed, cranky, nutty.  We decided after the show that we needed to get help.

A friend highly recommended someone and so this week we had a test drive of each other.  She was warm, funny and knowledgeable.  I cleaned the house and hung out with her.  I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room and I saw this woman pick Baby M by one arm.  I almost shit a brick.

Needless to say, we’re still looking.

Power of Decision Making…

May 1, 2009

I decided this week that I’m not going to find outside work for the next 5 months.  Ever since Baby M was born, I’ve felt obsessed with finding a job and earning my “own” money.  I decided that I need to chill the heck out. We are lucky that my husband can support us for now.   And since I did my show three times, we actually made  a PROFIT.  So I AM working part time!  Actually FULL time PLUS OVERTIME because right now I’m with Baby M ALL OF THE TIME. Why all caps?  Because it just hit me today that I’m working my tail off!

After making the decison of staying home for the next 5 months (except for really good acting gigs), I felt a relief.  And that’s why making decisions is important.  Instead of being wishy washy, you have clearly defined what you want and then the rest of the universe responds.  The reality is that the universe is totally aligned to make it all happen for you, you just have to LET it happen.  When you’re muddled and undecisive, then the universe is confused right there beside you.

Here are reminders for decision making:

-Make your decisions and make them fast.  Don’t hold back and don’t be afraid.  If you make a mistake, so what?  You can change your mind.  Decision making is a very important skill to have.

-Make a decision and stand by it and back it up.  – Sometimes when ideas are presented they are met with resistance.  This is normal, this doesn’t mean your decision is wrong.  Believe in your decision and stand by it.  Then others begin to take your decision as normal.

Then also have the flexibility to see where change is needed. – If something isn’t working, then fix it.  Don’t be stubborn or too proud to change something that can be improved upon.