Archive for June, 2009

Back to exercise + Breastfeeding = Exhaustion

June 28, 2009

After 4 months, I’ve decided to start exercising again and it’s exhausting.  I ran for 15 minutes, did some weights and I’mpaying for it.  Tomorrow I’m meeting with my trainer to do a 30 minute workout.  I told him I have the conditioning of an out of shape 80 year old and to take it REALLY easy on me.  This is disturbing…but normal after not working out for almost four months straight.

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Acting Biz stuff.

June 27, 2009

Had an audition through a casting director.  Seemed to go well.

Did a mailing for the show.  Had rehearsal for the show which is less than three weeks away, holy crap.

Set up times with personal trainer and someone who can show me how to eat properly so I’m fueled for the show.

Models vs. Actors

June 25, 2009

I had an ASICS go-see.  It was a room filled with 19 year old Abercrombie & Fitch/Ford model types.  I didn’t want to be there.

Someone gushed about how they were on the Abercrombie & Fitch site.  Everyone (except me) had washboard abs and defined muscle.  Baby M and our new babysitter were walking around the street outside.

An Asian model next to me was in an animated conversation about how slow things were and new exercise routines.  Their whole conversation was shop talk:  where they had travelled, how they hadn’t worked in a while, which agents they were freelancing with.   I felt for these girls.  They were tall, thin and beautiful.  I’m attractive, but if you saw me walk down the street, you probably wouldn’t stop and give me a second glance.  Having all of your self worth based on your looks can sometimes make you feel not so great.  Even from doing commercial print work, I’ve often looked at myself and wondered: Am I too fat?  The same feeling that ran through my head as I sat in the chair.  I’ve definitely been out of the game and could definitely hit the gym.

As Tyra Banks says, you have to have a career after being a model.

After the photographer took pictures of me, I scurried downstairs to my beloved Baby M.  She was just waking up from a nap and we strolled around in the rain.  The baby sitter quipped:  “Wow, I’ve never seen so many attractive people in one spot!”

Note to self:  Get a blackberry and go to the gym.

WAHM = Messy House

June 23, 2009

The dishes are dirty…again.  The laundry remains unfolded in two laundry bags.  The apartment is a mess.   Husband comes home (an hour late), sighs.  I get mad at the sighs but I’m too exhausted to pick anything up.

“What did you do today?”

Worked on updating contacts for a  mailing, fixed the VM for our show’s hotline, cleared my desk, contacted people about the show, trained the new sitter…

Definitely nothing to do with keeping a tidy home.

What is the answer to my lack of homemaking skills?  I’m not sure but something needs to change because the system in place is currently not working.

Children vs. Career: Brazen Careerist

June 23, 2009

I just read a terrific post by the fabulous Penelope Trunk.  The reality is that life is not binary, it’s not absolute.  It’s messy and complex.  Life can not be boiled down to a mathematical equation [if this then this].

This is not an issue of whether abortion is right or wrong, it’s about the myth of having children being bad for a career.

I got two abortions to preserve my career. To keep my options open. To keep my aspirations within reach.

I bought into the idea that kids undermine your ability to build an amazing career.

And here I am, with the amazing career.

But also, here I am with two kids. So I know a bit about having kids and a career. And I want to tell you something: You don’t need to get an abortion to have a big career. Women who want big careers want them because something deep inside you drives you to change the world, lead a revolution, break new barriers.

It doesn’t matter whether you have kids now or later, because they will always make your career more difficult. There is no time in your life when you are so stable in your work that kids won’t create an earthquake underneath that confidence.

Thank you, Rachel Griffiths: Mother of Three!

June 23, 2009

This morning I was filled with despair because I thought about having another child and quite honestly that prospect bummed me out.  Talked to my buddy in my show, she gave me a nice talk:  Enjoy the ride and just let things happen without trying to CONTROL THINGS.

Also discovered Rachel Griffiths.  Thank you Perez.  Thank you, Rachel.  Yes you were a big star in your country before you came to the states, but that’s okay.

Sitter came by, she was decent. Spent the few hours doing the dance of training her and being sort of a host.   No naps for Mom.  Exhausting.

Yelled at husband when he innocently said the word “dinner”.   I was grumpy he was an hour late..also just plain exhausted.  Tired of being tired.  But hopeful things are changing.

What I’ve Been Reading…

June 22, 2009

Ever noticed what’s going on with women in the media, literature, fairytales etc?  It usually involves either being rescued by a prince (Snow White) or having something horrible happen to them (Madame Bovary).  What about the successful, happy, self reliant women?  Right now I don’t have the time to wonder WHY this is the way it is or get angry or sad over WHY this is the case.  I’m too exhausted.  I’m totally happy to see something like this and it’s fun and confirms my deep belief that you really can do anything you want.

I came across The Hot Mommas Project when I was about to have my baby.  This was a project where women who created case studies on how they became successful in their field.  I had forgotten it and then recently stumbled upon it again. These stories are terrific, the women are courageous and they get what they want.

As an actress, it’s very easy to get bogged down by negativity and the challenges an acting career throws at you.  Add being a mother into the mix and sometimes I wonder if pursuing an acting career is worth it.  Hearing stories of other folks who persevered definitely helps.

Interesting developments…

June 22, 2009

I meditated yesterday and a thought popped into my head:  “Today is going to change my life”.  I liked that thought.  I shrugged and saw where it would take me.

I went to rehearsal and afterwards I drove to the area where I want to live for a Mommy Meetup.  The first apartment complex, there were no mommies to be found.  I went to the common area of the building – no moms.  The doorman said there was a rooftop area where the moms sometimes went.  I went on the roof and there was one pregnant woman who said she doesn’t go to the meeting but that they showed up late sometimes.

To make a long story short, I met a mother who is closing on the apartment building I have been looking at.  She and her husband have been living in the area for 2 years and decided it would be a good time to buy.  She really loved the area, felt the schools were good and they felt good about the neighborhood.

Up next:  see how much we can afford, check our credit, see about a loan…

Word for the week: FOCUS

June 18, 2009

I talked to a few of my performing buddies and they talked me away from the edge.  Yesterday I got really close to saying SCREW IT and move to South Carolina where we might be discriminated against, but at least live in a mansion.

Hubby told me he had dinner with co-workers who said we needed to stay in the suburbs.  I felt like telling them to kiss my tan behind. Hubby understandably complained about the high cost of living in a small urban space.  Also, if we have another kid, it will be even more crowded than it already is.  We live in a nice sized three bedroom apartment and the thought of contracting to a New York City space does freak me out a little bit as well.

That said, there are no perfect places to live.  And obviously my darling husband hasn’t read the post on the POWER OF DECISION making, ha ha, because he wavers on our decision of wanting to live closer to NYC.  I’ve decided to be unemotional and coolheaded at least about this.  I know living closer to the city would be better for us as a family.  I know it’s scary to move.  I know many people do not agree with what we want to do.

So here’s to keeping your eye on the prize.

Taking care…

June 18, 2009

Did a reading for a favorite playwright.  Honestly, it was a bit of  a struggle.  It was 3.5 hours long and it was really hot on stage.  I got really tired and delirious toward the end.  It made me realize I need to get my ass in gear and take care of myself.  I’m going to be onstage doing my show in less than a month.  I now know that while I’m breastfeeding, my body is still not quite it’s old self.  I thought about hiring a chef to teach me how to cook healthy vegetarian food and I think I’m going to do it.  I have six performances and I can not afford to go crazy.  I need the sustenance.   

I haven’t been taking care of myself lately.  I’ve not been sleeping well, eating well, exercise…what’s exercise?  Yes I’m back to my normal weight but I definitely need to exercise.