Archive for December, 2009

Audition with a baby…

December 16, 2009

God bless my agent who snagged me an audition (as a COLLEGE STUDENT) for The Good Wife.  I got it the night before and I fretted big time because I don’t have a babysitter.  I feared I would have to skip it.  My agent gently told me to go because she didn’t want me to miss any legit auditions.

And so we went.

It was way downtown and I decided to drive down there.  And for some reason the drive was smooth and everything went really well.  Baby M happily munched on Cheerios while I signed in and looked over my lines.  I changed her once, I gave her something to eat.  I had no nerves because I was busy caring for her.

The audition itself was almost an afterthought.  It was really a fun process.  The actors around us were really kind and one woman actually watched Maddie before I went into the room.

This gave me a little boost I needed.  Lately I’ve been wondering what the heck I was doing with my life and if I should even bother being an actress.  I’ve decided this business, as crazy as it is, is the life for me.  It’s not for the weak.  It’s for those with an iron-clad stomach and skin thick as elephant toenails.  Neither is being a mother.  So…it makes sense these two things go hand in hand.

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Anything you could want…

December 10, 2009

The past month or so have been all consuming.  We’ve moved back to Manhattan (thank god) and after three weeks I’m sort of hitting my stride.

Between the packing/unpacking, the sleep deprivation and Baby M getting sick from the MMR shot, I’ve been a bit overwhelmed.

I’ve also vacillated wildly back and forth whether I should even be an actress.  So much so that two days ago I went on two interviews for a day job.  As soon as I set the appointments I knew that getting a day job was not the answer.  I felt dread as I put on a button down blue shirt and gray dress slacks.  The interviews were okay but my gut is telling me that for right now, it’s not for me.

It’s funny what fear will drive you to do.  My fear of not having MY OWN MONEY and thoughts of BEING IN NEW YORK CITY made me go to these interviews.  Not because I want a career in creative recruitment.  If we are not hurting for money at the moment, I’m not going to take a full-time position.  Being a mother and an actress are more than enough.

Yesterday, I woke up, mediated, wrote and exercised.  While I meditated, I realized that everything that I could ever want was already within me.  All the searching, striving, fighting…it’s all nothing without peace with the self.  If I had all the money in the world and still felt sad and pauper-like inside, then that is my reality:  I am poor.

I’m very grateful for this insight and will now make a point to meditate and reflect upon what I really want…instead of running around, frazzled with fear.