Anything you could want…

December 10, 2009

The past month or so have been all consuming.  We’ve moved back to Manhattan (thank god) and after three weeks I’m sort of hitting my stride.

Between the packing/unpacking, the sleep deprivation and Baby M getting sick from the MMR shot, I’ve been a bit overwhelmed.

I’ve also vacillated wildly back and forth whether I should even be an actress.  So much so that two days ago I went on two interviews for a day job.  As soon as I set the appointments I knew that getting a day job was not the answer.  I felt dread as I put on a button down blue shirt and gray dress slacks.  The interviews were okay but my gut is telling me that for right now, it’s not for me.

It’s funny what fear will drive you to do.  My fear of not having MY OWN MONEY and thoughts of BEING IN NEW YORK CITY made me go to these interviews.  Not because I want a career in creative recruitment.  If we are not hurting for money at the moment, I’m not going to take a full-time position.  Being a mother and an actress are more than enough.

Yesterday, I woke up, mediated, wrote and exercised.  While I meditated, I realized that everything that I could ever want was already within me.  All the searching, striving, fighting…it’s all nothing without peace with the self.  If I had all the money in the world and still felt sad and pauper-like inside, then that is my reality:  I am poor.

I’m very grateful for this insight and will now make a point to meditate and reflect upon what I really want…instead of running around, frazzled with fear.

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